About 2 Lose It

ABOUT 2 LOSE IT

This is not a memoir. This is merely a recap of me being called out by the Father. At one time in my life, I wanted to know my purpose, who I am, and what could be so darn important that God himself would not leave me alone. The moment I asked for revelation of self, he began to share with me who I was in the past as well as the present so I can move ahead into my future. I am riding on the back of the wings of destiny witnessing the full manifestation of GODs promises for my very soul.
What is my life? See, you have to understand; I didnt come up with a lot of money and a peachy-keen life. I was raised in several domestic violent home settings as a child and I was definitely a product of my environment. Not to mention the generational curses that would later surface such as manipulation, control issues, and the more obvious, marijuana, nicotine, alcoholism, and sexual addiction (just to name a few).
I began to recognize my immaturity in Christ on a conference call that was on my 25th birthday. I never suspected I was blaming others for my unsuccessfulness until several people redirected my own mayhem at me. When you are used to being in control of your life and God shows up and tells you to come forth on the water and doubt creeps in while you are stepping forth, lack creeps in also. Thats what Im dealing with. It is lack of self-worth, self-esteem, and ultimately lack of love (not to mention lack of funds). Unless you were to be around me on a typical day and really truly observing me, you wouldnt be able to tell I was crying on the inside and hear the outcry from my very soul for help.
When GOD requires more of you, what do you do? I mean how many of us come out of a spiritual womb and begin walking. Me? Shoot, I went straight from milk to meat without the farina. How many of us are really able to digest meat without having a proper digestive system?
There comes a time when everything becomes balanced and the waves are quiet and still. I tend to tug-o-war with GOD. The Bible says that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. That would be me. A double minded individual in need of deliverance of selfmeaning the flesh.Who is really in control here? Its all or nothing with GOD and I do not want a Shepard to lead me to hell and I refuse to lead anyone until I am sure without a shadow of a doubt that my mind is stable and my thoughts are not topsy-turvy like a sea-saw. Every time the enemy throws a rock at me, Im ready to take cover. I had to go home and reclaim what was mine.
In doing such I had no idea of what the bounty was that I would be collecting. GOD is sooooooo AWESOME!!!! Even though I have been such a wretched, disobedient, hard-headed child, he insists on keeping me covered even now in this period of grace that he so graciously has given. Being able to decipher the seasons is one thing, however to walk through the fire, fall down and Im talking about over and over again, bruised, broken, and battered, without a trace of sin after redemption is truly humbling. As I reveal my life story of refuge, my deliverance is truly imminent. Travel through the passages of my heart, mind, body, and soul and may GOD add a blessing to the reading of these words.