Finding My Vocabulary

This memoir is a literary response to authoritarianism in government, where political actors ban books and limit what words may be spoken in classrooms. The author believes that forbidding discussion and exploration of specific topics, banning words and books, may be a clever authoritarian tactic designed to indoctrinate people into intolerance of the LGBTQ+ community. This memoir's narrative uncovers some of the dangers in an authoritarian worldview, particularly when conservative religion joins forces with political operatives. The point underscored is that vocabulary, and its association with learning, helps people become well-adjusted, productive citizens, and that words and books are not to be feared. The Story: At age four, James has no vocabulary to identify himself, that he is gay, and he feels alone and unsure of himself. He sees no role models for his budding identity in magazines, media, or in his community. In the late 1960s, in school he dives into vocabulary in a search for words to define himself, which results in funny situations. James is fascinated by Motown music and leads playground singalongs that result in bullying. When he begins piano studies, his mother suggests he emulate the style of Liberace, and James realizes "Mr. Showmanship" is the first gay role model he's seen, and a terrifying role model at that. James' parents join the Seventh-day Adventist Church, where religious dogma suppresses him. His crucible comes at an Adventist college in Tennessee where, in 1981, he is blackmailed via letter to leave the college or be publicly outed. Moving on to a more democratic college environment in Illinois, James finds academic success. He starts to learn about the gay community and meets a group of gay men, but they are attacked by other men. Beaten and injured, James is left lying in the street. After completing college, James builds a fulfilling career and leaves the business in his own way, successful, well-adjusted and empowered. James explores the Chicago cultural scene and gay nightlife and finds the man he eventually marries. The couple have a committed, affirming relationship. James recalls the lives of his parents and discusses examples of how, even as conservatives, they influenced his evolution by allowing him to read. James revisits the garden of his childhood where an old apple tree stood as a shelter and support in his childhood and where he dreamt of acceptance and love. This memoir showcases a life story revealing that growing up to be gay is a perfectly normal life path, and that the LGBTQ+ community is a rich part of the American tapestry.